Muppets & Puppets
by two-faced quinn
Summary: Just exactly what the hell is inside a Muppet? What is the difference between a Puppet and a Muppet? Who is Mr. Hand up Me? Why does this mysteriously sound like certain movies and the title looking like the books Jane Austen writes? Well you gotta read.
1. Chapter 1

Muppets & Puppets

Chapter 1

Of course after every show you would find Kermit the Frog getting stoned in his prestigious porcelain white dressing room. The smoke aroused him. But not sexually, though. His need for a drive was daring, needing, and futile. In case you don't know what futile means, it means, it ain't going to happen anytime soon. Anyways, perplexed and confused Ms. Piggy comes in, in awe.

'What the HELL are you doing?' she asked. He wondered why they made this fat lard-ass wannabe-animal his "girlfriend", "wife" whatever. All he knew was that he wasn't in the ready mood to deal with her ass. So he replied angrily,

'Waiting for you to lose some weight that's what I'm waiting for!' he exclaimed

Ms. Piggy wasn't amused for shit. So she got angry the way Muppets do, shrink down, squeezing their jaw, and shaking. Then, BAM! Ms. Piggy dropped his ass right there.

After the beating Ms. Piggy left saying, 'You better get your ass to that fucking show or I'll rib bit you're fucking head off!' and with that she left, stomping raging with rage, closing the door dropping the gold star imprinted with Kermit's name. Kermit looked up lifting his head seeing how badly the room was destroyed. Kermit realized how terrible his life was at the moment and looked at the room again.

The floor somehow was missing tiles, his mirror was shattered into pieces strewn across the floor, and his drawers were all nothing but splinters on the floor as well, all besides 1. His writing drawer, he got up wearily, took out his typewriter, an envelope, a stamp, and started writing to his puppet friend, Mr. Hand Up Me.

LETTER 1

_LETTER FROM _KERMIT THE FROG_ TO _MR. HAND UP ME

Dear Mr. Hand up Me,

How have you been? Well I've been terrible. Ms. Piggy just beat the fuck out of me. I think she broke my "webbed" feet. Anyways I'm stuck entertaining fat, ugly, retarded, kids. While you entertain the cool, funny, adults or teenagers, with front row seats to where ever. I'm here doing shitty jokes about education, while you do gold about serious shit.

But I would like to tell you a hello, and like some say, 'What is Gucci my nigga?'

Best wishes,

Kermit

Kermit didn't understand why puppets had it better than Muppets. In fact, he didn't even know what the hell the difference was besides the damn "m"

Tired and aching for sleep, somehow, Kermit drove to his apartment at a hotel called, "Where to put your things." A large name he had noticed but didn't mind. In his apartment was pretty basic stuff, a TV, couch, food, bed, etc. He remembered that Ms. Piggy had told him to be at the afternoon show. But he ignored it and drifted into sleep. (Though technically since he can't make his eyelids, he had his open, looking like a freaking weirdo, or dead even, it's pretty awkward.)

In his dream, he has Bella Swan's body and hair, except he still had his face. And he was in Volterra, dressed in the same shirt and pants. Except that the people in the ropes had a baby-barf color and they all looked like that garbage guy from Sesame Street except with chicken legs. He was running towards something shinny while some English girl was reciting a line from Shakespeare. The shinny thing ended up being "Edward" same body, hair, except the face belonged to Mr. Hand up Me. Kermit screamed while running, 'Edward! A.K.A. Mr. Hand up Me!'

But running like a dog towards him was Ms. Piggy in a black suit, sunglasses, actual ruby eyes, and tusks. She looked mad yelling out, 'NO BITCH!' in a terribly demonic voice. Before Ms. Piggy slit his throat off, he woke up to the sound of a screaming mouth full of food.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Kermit immediately awoke from his tormented sleep. was on top of him with his half-eaten hamster in her mouth dripping with blood. Shaking her hand round and round, with her blonde hair drenched in the hamster blood: She was yelling out "You gonna wake up BITCH," in her tone of voice as if she had swallowed a whole hog. She was a sickening woman... Man… swine, whichever word best corresponds to her nature of being.

Kermit was disgusted at her, angry. He was in the, "if you talk to me I will rip your skin off make some fucking bacon and sell it to hobo pedestrians." mood, this fat bitch, swine, hog, extra-terrestrial from the planet "Fat animals who think they are people just cause they wear clothes and come out in shows, movies, etc. And think they are better than other Muppets because their fat-ass gets more attention, than the rest, well guess what? You nothing better, because whatever you do in life you will always be trash, yeah, I got that from Family Guy® what are you going to do about it?"

Do Kermit rose and threw her across the room somehow with his weak-ass self. Ms. Piggy got up and had the same face as she did last night. She then went off ranting about how he was supposed to the show and how she had to improvise with her sexy-self wearing her "revealing" blouse though Kermit knew the truth and that it was actually was the smallest thing he has ever saw a Muppet wear. And before Ms. Piggy was running towards him to kick his ass, he saw the Click® remote from the movie and instead of pressing pause; he chunked the thing at her face. She was now knocked out on the floor, revealing what not even the old lady from the Princess Diaries® would consider breasts.

He didn't care if they were big or not they were only made of whatever was inside a Muppet. So Kermit thought of his next move. He took his prop wagon got Ms. Piggy on there and dropped outside his window he hoped, no had FAITH that she would've died right there. Kermit then reminded himself of the dream, went to his computer, got on Twitter® and then wrote on Stephanie Meyer's page.

"_Dear Stephanie,_

_How are you doing you creep-ass woman? So I just had a dream last night, and I was your misunderstood, depressed, main character. And I haven't even finished the damn book, and I have this freaking weird-ass dream with your gay little vampire world? Screw you. SCREW YOU! And I would like to inform, you I just killed Ms. Piggy thanks to your ass. So hold that on your conscious you dumb hoe!"_

_Sincerely,_

_Kermit the damn Frog_

He clicked post and then checked his mail down stairs with the door man, Gustavo; he was an Arabian with a thick accent who treated Kermit like his best friend. But Kermit didn't quite feel the same way.

'Hey Gustavo, do you have any mail for me?' he asked.

'Oh, hey, Kermit! Ummmm, you have a letter.' He passed the letter to Kermit, it was from Mr. Hand up Me. Kermit got very excited seeing that his mysterious friend had answered his letter. Kermit had never knew the real name of Mr. Hand up Me. It had been that way ever since they had first met. Kermit had remembered it like it was only yesterday.


End file.
